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May 03, 2006

Things I've learned in Hollywood

Bob Massey

People think that Hollywood is this 24/7 bacchanal of sex and liberalism, but perhaps they should point the pointy finger at Wal-Marts across America. That's where respectable ladies (and shady screenwriters) buy the trashy novels that provided the following purple prose.

For your amusement (and for a screenplay project I have to do), here is a list of actual sexual euphemisms from actual "romance" novels.

Do not try these at home.

- Manroot, man meat, seed bags, storehouse of the nectars of love, purple tulip, love juice, love honey, volcano gush, standing tall, engorged, life force, velvet steel, rod, turgid shaft, sword/sheath, organ, column of flesh, pillar of manhood

- Chalice of flesh, dewy petals, silky love grotto, mound of venus, honeypot, nether regions, mossy grotto, throbbing loins, dewy lips, pleasure bud

- Filling her tight sheath, impaling himself into her femininity, lock/key, fire/ice, entrance to her secret citadel, sword/sheath, weapon of flesh, dance as old as time, scale the peak of passion, climb the cliffs of ecstasy

- Cones of flesh, globes, diamond hard nipples, pert milky breasts/ nipples, nubbins, puckered nipples, pouting nipples, rosebuds, pleasure bud,

- Paroxysm of pleasure, milked dry by the rhythmic pulse of her climax, growl of release, burst inside her like a tidal wave, reached her zenith, brought to pleasure, scalding pulsations

It sure is good to be here in Gomorrah, CA, where we all we do is sip mint juleps at poolside and sup on the nectars of love.

Deadlines? Please. I'm scaling the peaks of passion.

+++++

New-ish 'round here? Don't worry there's much more from Massey where this came from. Get on it.

Posted by Rock Heals at May 3, 2006 12:00 AM